graduation

Graduation day was last Sunday, and though I myself didn't graduate (being a junior), it had a huge impact on me. My boyfriend Nick and one of my best friends Josh graduated, along with a slew of other friends and acquaintences. I can only imagine how they must feel--on the threshold of such change and decision. I am proud of them both, and know that they have so much to look forward to in life-- life beyond Eckerd College.

Josh, Nick, and I had dinner together last night. We reminisced on the good times we had (which were plenty) and remembered why we were all equally closest of friends. The picture above shows just how much love we all have for each other. That's us enjoying awesome beers at the Independent Bar downtown. It hasn't really set in yet how much I will miss the three of us together.

Before leaving last night, Josh said, "See you tomorrow, guys, we should go to the beach or something". We agreed, but we all knew we were joking. Josh was leaving early tomorrow morning for home and Nick and I wouldn't see him....for a long while. It just wasn't going to be the same. I don't think it has set in for any of us yet, but I'm afraid soon it will.

But I am so fortunate to have Nick staying with me for the next year. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to have to say goodbye to him. I can't. And I don't have to. We have so much to look forward to. This summer we will be in Chicago together--Cub games, hot dogs, new friends, new opportunities! And in the fall, we'll both return to St. Pete for me to finish off my last year and for him to apply to grad schools and work.

I guess there's a lot of change for me in my life--good and bad. Things will definitely be different. And though its a fact of life, and though it helps you grow, change can be god-damn terrifying. Especially for someone struggling with GAD. Even now I can feel my body becoming more anxious anticipating this summer of change and transformation. I want my safeties! I want my familiars!

I'm trying to keep my chin up, none the less. I'm trying to hold strong and believe that I will make new friends as well as keep the old. I know that Nick and my relationship will grow stronger with our new adventures. And I know when he goes home to Princeton for a couple of weeks, I won't have to worry about him cheating on me. Well, we'll save that last one for another entry.

I should end with a short poem, if that's all right with you...

Cassandra

by Louise Bogan

To me, one silly task is like another.

I bear the shambling tricks of lust and pride.

This flesh will never give a child its mother, --

Song, like a wing, tears through my breast, my side,

and madness chooses out my voice again,

Again. I am the chosen no hand saves:

The shrieking heaven lifted over men.

Not the dumb earth, wherein they set their graves.

A beautiful lyric poet, and an inspiration for all the research I shall be doing this summer on all things greek and tragic. Yours, M.

first

5X5 10 by Timm Mettler from "A Series of Shifting Landscapes"

Aesthetics are important. There are days when all I can think about is whether or not my silhouette looks like a terracotta statue of Athene, whether my hair is something gold enough to romantically call flaxen and fair. I'll want to look like art or you, or her, or that girl...anyone else but me. It's easy to become obsessed with beauty. When placed in comparison, it can feel easy to fall short. There's this lyric from a song by the Silver Jews called "The Wild Kindness" and it's I'm perfect in an empty room. Sometimes I feel like that line describes me dead on. Aesthetics are important--this thought could destroy me.

I chose to start this post with an image of Timm Mettler's landscape because it reminded me that this thought didn't have to destroy--that it could instead, inspire me to create. I could crumble under my own insecurities. Am I as pretty as her? Or I could choose to transcend comparison. I could write, I could paint, I could sing, I could speak, I could give, I could think. I could become like a shifting landscape, my foundations grating and moving beneath my horizon. I could be abstract and meaningful. I could be unique and rich with vibrancy and texture. Aesthetics can distract, they can create an escape. The profundity of beauty-- bittersweet, and ambiguous. I want to become something like a poem.

Away from your mirror! Beautiful words to obsess about, instead:

Human Beauty

by Albert Goldbarth

If you write a poem about love...

the love is a bird,

the poem is an origami bird.

If you write a poem about death...

the death is a terrible fire,

the poem is an offering of paper cutout flames

you feed to the fire.

We can see, in these, the space between

our gestures and the power they address

--an insufficiency. And yet, a kind of beauty,

a distinctly human beauty. When a winter storm

from out of no where hit New York one night,

in 1982, the crew at a theater was caught

unloading props: a box

of paper snow for the Christmas scene got dropped

and broken open, and that flash of white

confetti was lost

inside of what it was a praise of.

* * *

Albert Goldbarth is an incredible contemporary poet. His style is similar to a new kind of poetry called Ultra-talk, and of the same ilk as David Kirby or Mark Halliday. If you want to know more about Ultratalk poetry or Timm Mettler. Click on the links. Comment if you feel inclined.

Signing off. Yours, M.